i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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