she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
