i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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