i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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