Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm too high and old for this...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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