We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
