I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
