sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you win again, gameday.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
