You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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