Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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