if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
