; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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