How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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