Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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