I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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