My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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