I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
