i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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