we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
