Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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