The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
