and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
