It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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