Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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