Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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