I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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