I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
