it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He did a backflip because drugs
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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