I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
