god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
