last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
