I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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