it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
