just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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