ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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