Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
