I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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