tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
