I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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