I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
