he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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