Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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