Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
third nipple confirmed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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