I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
