I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have already put on my inside pants.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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