he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
