he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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