He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
