there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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