you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
