I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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