saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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