yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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