they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
