bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
