some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
