I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
