we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
