Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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