o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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