Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
